I hope I’m not a disappointment meeting me face to face
That’s something I’ve said a few times in the last few years. To the people who have read my blogs or follow me on Twitter, who then do meet me. Me, hiding behind a million words of creativity and not knowing if i live up to an expectation.It was only recently that I realised something that helped me think through all these awkward moments;November 2016 might be a significant moment for me. I couldnt say for definite how significant in the rest of the whole of my life, as i hope theres alot of other moments that happen in the rest of it.
I was delivering a talk at the Newcastle Diocese office, i blogged on it here: ‘Young people as performers of the gospel’ in which i shared with a group of youthworkers and delegates from the diocese a day of conversations on developing the space of drop ins and helping young people become performers of the gospel.It was stuff that I had just finished writing up for my MA thesis that summer.
And the first, and so far, only, time that i have communicated this in public.On one hand i was significantly under prepared. On the other I though i knew enough to be able to get my way through an afternoon session after a fairly interactive morning. So, although i got some good feedback. I still felt a little raw.
A friend who was in the room met up with me for a coffee a few weeks later. In debriefing the session they asked me whether I had considered how much of an introvert I was. Saying that they had only seen me in other situations, but when they saw me in that public space, that they identified me as being more introverted.I kind of pushed back. Me. An introvert.?That was for quiet people.
I was a youthworker, I loved conversations, i loved making myself known, i loved people.But i wasnt , and still am not, one of the crazy types. Have always been perceptive, reflective and prefer the significant conversation.. to the many conversations. In the kitchen, rather than the party.
But I pushed back, also because well, it didnt really register for me what that might mean, or help, and if it did I only thought negatively, so i didnt give it any more thought.
Ministry, youthwork was for the lively, or at least that was one space that being an introvert wasnt the place to be that in.
Also…I thought i was ok.
I thought i knew who I was, even had the audacity to publish blogs on self care for others, even try and talk about stuff like boundaries, self care and management with others.
Yet realistically, I was hiding alot.
Realistically I hadn’t really ever thought about the deep stuff.
Just thought I knew. Even now I’m only just beginning.
At the beginning of this year I met up with that friend again.
She asked me whether I had done anything about being introvert. I fessed up. Keeping up with all youthwork theory and being articulate in the knowledge stuff i really had. (Don’t accuse me of not buying a youth work book post college)But take a step and look at myself? Nope.Of course. Because she knew I was an introvert, the best thing to give an introvert is a book on being one.Its popular, it’s maybe not complete.
Quiet.. by Susan CainYet at a point in my life of significant struggle.
I devoured it.
Cover to cover with at times tears in my eyes.
Cover to cover beginning to open my eyes to look at myself.Cover to cover being ready to accept the reality of who I am.
But also… Cover to cover and recognise my own strengths, my own gifts, and my own power. To realise my place in the world and who I am to be able to construct and change it.
Before digging wide and providing practical reflection on what being introvert might mean in the world of youth and community work, management and leadership.
That can wait.
In a way I wanted just to share with you from me, about me and how this self discovery has been helpful. In more ways that just work.
The book helped me dispel the myths, and erradicate my own fears of what being introvert was all about, it helped me to view the changing world around and how the path of extroversion is heralded and prioritised.
It helped me realise how I think, and also how others do.
To a point.I have more to learn and dig. I have more to gain by doing so. But ignoring the me and the me when dealing with the difficult stuff was negligent on my part. Self care is one thing… becoming self aware another.
Maybe we can only truly care for ourselves when we know ourselves.Maybe I had to be ready to hear my friend. To be ready to undertake personal reflection, and for that I am thankful for the circumstances that brought me to that point.. however painful.
Oh, and maybe I’m just grateful for the friends in my life who aren’t afraid to speak and share their truth to me, knowing how much it could benefit me.
I bought the book. I confess I haven’t read it again since. But I will do.Or I’ll give it away to someone else who might need it, and benefit from it like I have. The start of a process, started from whatever age or point..
No one is born fully-formed: it is through self-experience in the world that we become what we are. (Paulo friere)
And… being an introvert isn’t that bad, in fact, it’s better than that. Much better.If you want to hear more, and just read a book on this. here’s a ted talk