Why it might be good to ‘let children play’

What was the happiest memory for you as a child? 

Or, if you’re a parent; What was something you loved to do, really loved to do, that you don’t let your own children do?

Was it out playing with your friends? Some of mine were kicking a ball around, scoring a goal, bmx’ing, wide games around the village until it was dark – but what about you?

Did you go on adventures?, play make believe, create stories, hide and seek?

I know when I stopped playing, it was when free play was sacrificed for ‘paid’ playing, and academic work at school took more focus, and even ‘fun’ stuff was in the supervision of adults, whether it was the church youth group, swimming club or scouts. Fun free play was reserved for Saturdays. 

Even looking back to my own experience I can notably remember how focussed and serious I had to become, (this was mostly a survival thing), fun felt frivolous, and achieving was more important. But I do know that I had a good few years of free play, in the parks, on bikes around the roads, and on other times I went on bike rides alone.

As a youth worker I would create ‘fun’ activities, like games that were meant to ‘help’ young people to learn something, like communication or team building, it was forced, it was cringe, and I felt uncomfortable doing it, it was if this kind of ‘fun’ in a scheduled supervised controlled way was what was expected of ‘Christian youth group’ - what did it do – create compliance, not creativity. It was ‘fun’ but almost like how adults have ‘fun’ , or how I had ‘learned’ to teach fun.

That world is gone, isn’t it.

Well, it isn’t quite. But maybe it has been gone for a while.

I noticed it when I was a detached youth worker in Perth from 2006 onwards, it was gone then. There was barely any children under 11 out kicking a ball around the parks, playing on swings or being in groups around. Yes, there were older ones in town, gathering to, well, gather at times, and because it was fun/dangerous/a place to drink – but the sight of young people, especially younger ones at a park was rare, and if it happened there would be a reaction that ‘they seemed young’ or ‘might there be a problem’ or ‘is there a risk that this child is out playing?’

I also noticed it as it was something that felt uncommon for my own kids to do, it was even more difficult when Nintendo DS’s were pleaded for and then purchased, CBBC programmes encouraged kids to play and ‘go outside’ and explore, on planes or adventures, yet held the attention of kids to ‘stay inside’

Yet in a fascinating way, being a detached youth worker also meant being in a space as an adult in which then loose supervision occurs, for if young people were desperate to be away from adults, for their own good and choice, then detached work could often send these young people to the more marginal hidden areas, or somewhere else. Yet, it was also par for the course that I would want to have ‘engagement’ with young people in this way, it might’ve been better not to be there at all, be even less visible.

Many more park benches were empty than they were full.

Even in more recent experiences, there was a growing reduction in young people accessing the ‘MUGA’s’ or imported football games that were in parks, even in the more ‘poorer’ areas where football was regular and common for endless months and weeks.

One of the things that has shrank in the last 20 years is the space for children to play, play unsupervised and unstructured, whether this is in the park, in schools, in youth clubs or in churches – completely across the board. Unstructured play is out, subscription adult supervised clubs are in. YES THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, I AM STATING THE OBVIOUS.

And it has been lost at a cost. A serious one.

Play is good for children. I’ll rephrase this. Play is almost hard wired into every child. It’s as human an activity as the proverbial chimp baby exploring the wildness of the jungle floor. Play is creativity, play creates community, play encourages emotional and social development, not just physical, play is also good for brain development, play encourages learning and also attention… play is learning.

Imagine being a child growing up in a world in which your entire day, from 7am to 8pm is directed by nothing you want to do, but by what adults want you to do? How do you find meaning in this? in always doing what someone else finds important? If you aren’t given the opportunity to freely discover the moments of joy and happiness, or adrenaline or spark – then is it likely that you’re going to find meaning?

Might this be a reason why the early twenties/late teens of today are generation sensible? The Nintendo DS generation?

There is no difference between the glazed over face of the addicted gambler on the fruit machines of vegas to the Childs eyes on their electronic screens, and mine are the same too on the BBC sport live text feed, or something similar. It’s not just children, it is all of us.

However, once we realise this; What might it mean then, as educators, youth workers, parents even, to let ‘children play’?

Maybe there are more schools than I have experience of or research of that are encouraging ‘free play’ – so thats good , and groups like www.letgrow.org are pilotting free play time in the school days and evenings, with remarkable results. More at this article here

Play is something we grew out of as adults, but as adults we could now have the choice to help children grow back into, even if there are what feels a million pressures and voices fighting against the urge. The world is far far safer, and cleaner (thanks to unleaded petrol) than it was in the mid 1980s let alone the 1960s.

The book I am reading at the moment (Stolen Focus, Johann Hari, 2022) is not the first one to be reminding me of the need for play, but it is revealing to me the limiting and worrying effects on children by their lack of free play, such as imagination, creativity, attention and also becoming self masters and competent.

It often felt risky just to let young people have space to be. It was if they couldn’t be trusted. Yet it would be no surprise when they were asked ‘ what do you want to do this term?, was greeted with ‘nothing’.. young people organised and shepherded all their lives are going to struggle to believe that they can have a voice, an opinion about what they want , and have it believed. So why bother. It’s what they were used to.

The opposite of this is the example in ‘Poverty Safari’ where young people who do say ‘they want a place to go and chat’ have this place sanitised, commodified and evaluated for its soft skills and employability. (if the youth club is still open)

Im reminded in a bizarre way of the story of Dibs, in Dibs and the search for Self. In this treasure of a book, Dibs is ‘given’ all the toys in the world, but only strict/cold parenting, is locked in a basement, full of toys, and displays behaviour that reminiscent of a caged animal when at school, angry, lashing out, distracted, unfocussed. The account, written by Virginia Axline shows how a safe space to play, with no judgement, no paternal guidance, gave Dibs the opportunity to draw, create, play and show significant intelligences and awareness throughout. I wonder, and it may be a huge leap – but this story showed how much both parents and children needed to be supported to understand how to love and communicate. I wonder, 60 odd years later, what it might mean for instead of being locked and trapped in rooms with toys, the forces that dictate and shape ‘play’ and ‘parenting’ are the tech companies, whose prime motivation is maintaining attention (and making money from such attention).

One American study found a diminishing locus of control among children, meaning they increasingly feel their lives are being determined by others.

Rutger Bregman, Humankind, 2020

You can’t teach creativity, you have to let it blossom

Peter Grey, 2013 (The Play Deficit)

The flaws in the world, in regard to giving children time and the opportunity to play are largely those we have created and permitted to be created. Children and Young people have needs, they also have gifts too. It is our job as parents, as educators to create environment where these needs can be met, and their tiny steps of creativity can be fertilised, and blossomed.

There might be a reason why ‘the box’ more than the toy inside the box is more fun for a child, that box has open space and creativity, it could be a hiding place, a den or a fort, it could have wheels, it could house teddy bears. Trust me, I used to hate this, when as parent id spent £xx on a toy, and had expectations of how it was about to bring joy, it did, eventually, maybe in mid January, but the box captivated in the immediate.

The very creativity that a child hasn’t been able to develop, might be the very thing the next generation needs.

If Depression is the number one disease (according to WHO) – then our biggest shortfall isn’t in our bank account, or budget sheet, but inside ourselves. It’s a shortage of what makes life meaningful. A shortage of play. (Bregman)

Children learn best when left to their own devices, what could we do in 2024 to push for more play spaces, to push against the tide of the dominance of the screen on play time. What might you and I do as adults to embrace play in our own lives? That free play once again?

What might we (youth workers, family workers, community workers, parents, teachers) do to provide where possible ‘free’ play space, trusting it and giving children and young people this valuable space? What might this look like, and the benefit of this be into 2024..?

References

Stolen Focus, Johan Hari, 2022

Humankind, Rutger Bregman, 2020

Dibs in search of self, Axline 1964

Poverty Safari, Darren McGarvey, 2017

Play based learning can set your child up for success

The importance of play

The Problem of Proving Psychological abuse.

Two years ago I wrote a piece about why it’s likely there’s a Psychopath in a Church. This was on the back of, two high profile cases. As Thomas Eriksen writes; of the top 10 professions in the UK that a psychopath might be in, Spiritual Leader was one. In fact, Spiritual leader was 8th on the list. CEO and Media/Journalist was in there too -both places of power, with the power to criticise without question. So, let me ask a question, if the top professions are CEO (of any organisation) and Media/Journalist (of any media) – What are two of the predominant roles in the larger cultures of churches that have grown in the last 10-15 years? 

The Brand Specialist? The National Director? The Chief Operations officer? The Comms team? 

Male – mostly, but lets not propel a myth that it couldnt be women, for as Zizek writes:

In this new version of sexual difference, Women are not called upon by the ruling ideology to subordinate themselves, they are called – solicited, cajoled, expected, to be judges, administrators, ministers, CEO’s, teachers, policewomen and soldiers…. A new figure of the feminine is arising: a cold competitive agent of power, seductive and manipulative, attesting to the paradox that ‘in the conditions of capitalism, women can do better than men’ (Badiou) This of course, in no way makes women suspicious of capitalism, it merely signals that capitalism has invented its own ideal image of woman

(Zizek, The Courage of Hopelessness, p 271)

There’s both a covert and a victim playing narcissist, both more often female. Here are two really useful videos on it, by a female psychologist. If you want to read more, do look in my resources section here too.

There’s a hidden/covert thing about emotional and psychological abuse, that only reveals itself when it is provoked and exposed, Men, might likely to be the ouvert psychopath and do actions that get caught… eventually (and even this can be over many years) , but Women are more likely to be the covert narcissist. Their victims are less likely to have bruises or be sexual victims in the same way, less likely to have the kind of injuries that end up as a prosecutable case. But their victims face bewilderment, confusion and shame. 

Until they do that one thing..and get caught.

Im pondering the question – if there are more likely to be emotionally and psychologically manipulative people in churches, then what might be required to protect people from them, and protect those who may be at risk from being groomed by them in any investigation?

And, especially , as this kind of abuse is so difficult to find evidence for.

Let’s look at an example.  An example of how a group of people might respond if they had realised they had been manipulated over many years and they had only just been able to gather evidence of it.

Imagine it is 1975, and you are the newly appointed General Secretary of the United Nations, Gaston Thorn, and you have created a few policies and documents on developing more flourishing countries, and inviting those who have experienced mistreatment to come forward.

You receive this letter.

 

You receive this letter. 

What do you do? 

From this you determine that there are a number of charges against the USA , but also that they are describing mistreatment that sounds like manipulation, control, and difficult to articulate scenarios, it also seems as though they have had to work out how to live and survive within this regime.  Though there might be phsycial injuries and deaths, the dead can’t speak, but those in the midst of the fear, anxiety and terror can.

But, it wouldn’t be fair if you didnt ask the accused for their response to this, would it? So, thats what you do. 

You write a letter to the USA President asking three specific things:

1. Did you steal items for your own good, then set rules on tarifs that meant these people remained in poverty?
2. Did you bomuse your bombs to injure and kill these people?
3. Have you conducted surveillance in this territory on everyday people?

Three months later, their response looks like this: 

It arrives on your desk. 

With either your 1975 or 2023 eyes – what strikes you about this letter?

Can you see the patterns?  How many? This might be one of them, but anything else?

Did you even get an answer to your questions?

What words are completely unnecessary in the reply?

Did you expect anything else? – given what was being accused? What use was your request?

Did you expect a truthful confession?

For not only do those who commit psychological abuse do it, they also use it in the process of any investigation into them.

It’s also going to be pretty difficult for you as the UN officer in this case to enact charges when the US is accused of doing something, on their own land. Fast forward to cases of domestic abuse, the perpetrators claim possession and the entitlement to do such a thing.

How would you interview the President on this? If they haven’t lied outright, or admitted anything blantantly – how would you get to finding out whether they actually did or didnt do what they are accused of – instead of justifications, projections, scapegoating, gloating, or distractions?

What about asking each of the parties for a verbal report? But what might be the risk if you were in conversation someone who sounds threatening – might they threaten you more – or maybe they’ll do the nice guy thing and make out that the other person is going crazy? (crazy because thats the scenario created by the oppressor)

Interestingly: It would be very likely that the Puerto Ricans would be able to see the patterns, they have lived them. They had to do the work, extensive work to see it. They had to build a case, with a group of people and make a case. It wasn’t just one person against another – but you only have two letters in front of you and you can’t be seen to be unfair.

What might be the problem if you try to ‘stay neutral’ in this scenario…

See what you’ve got yourself into, once you suggested that mistreated countries could come forward…?

Maybe more accurately, what has now happened that you have two not quite contrasting situations of the same events, one giving details the other not really actually denying it, but justifying it. So it’s almost certain that the events happened.

What might you have needed to do differently if words like coercion, control and manipulation were used, should the investigation taken a different form?

Want to see how actually crazy this story actually happened , I base my reading of the scenario from this video: How the USA Stole Puerto Rico There are many other global examples of imperialism I could have chose, but the way in which the USA conducted long lasted psychological abuse in this country (according the video) gave me food for thought.

I hope one day the people of Puerto Rico get justice, the letters are fictitious, examples of what could have happened. The US even kept records of their psychological abuse.

So let’s fast forward to 2023.

Psychological and Emotional Abuse is a category of Abuse in many churches safeguarding policies, Neglect is rife in Child protection situations (including in the church) .  There can be barely evidence for any of these things, and many many people wear a mask to hide it, protect themselves from the horror of it and live within it, until they gather the strength to share it.  

Thats until….Until something that actually happens that can actually be reported or a group of people realise together how they’ve all been treated and report collectively. In the above case it could have been the realisation of an undercover FBI agent, or something small like, well, being bombed… but these could even be tips on a gigantic iceberg of deceit, abuse, pretence and covert behaviour. What happens then, the persecutor claims to have been bullied out of a place.

It’s like a fungi. The knotted twisted mitochondria has twisted and gathered and injured underneath the the ground for a very long time, and its only when there’s a visible action’ an often disbelieving one (see also Matilda and Mrs Trunchbull) that shows itself where something can happen. The calculated risk is taken when the victims is deemed too vulnerable to stand up for themselves. This will almost definitely be the scenario in any domestic abuse situations.

And… what psychological or emotional evidence might the police, church or organisation require for safeguarding or criminality?  And how would go about finding this further  – what knowledge would be needed to know about how people thrive and survive in prisoned/manipulated situations to capture it?  

Maybe a trained psychologist/therapist in hearing people – to go in and listen to stories? It all might build a picture. If people are scared to speak out, then it might say something.  What about the trail of long term behaviour and patterns could there be further investigation? (Yes the USA did exert the same behaviour over 4 island territories in 1898 onwards, what red flags might there be in previous workplaces, or relationships)

It would be no surprise that those who have been emotionally and psychologically and spiritually abused stay quiet, for although they might have confidence they’ll be believed, they have little confidence that those investigated are unlikely to be manipulated themselves. Especially if, as was evidenced in the ‘Spotlight Movie’, triangulation, gaslighting and the powerful protect and stand with each other. The oppressed know their oppressors more than the oppressors know themselves, because often the oppressor doesn’t want to get anywhere close to their own reality, hiding behind a pretence. The abused know the patterns.

Can an organisation claim to be for victims of abuse – if it hasnt gone out of its way to educate itself or create processes with those with specialist knowledge on it, or protect itself from being manipulated too, for, the psychopath will stop at nothing to lie to protect themselves, they always lie. (the victim knows this) What might happen if those who have covert or overt psychopathic tendencies rise to the top (as they always do, they are addicted to power) ? What happens then to those making decisions on cases – are the even aware of the possibility of this kind of behaviour?

If this kind of behaviour is likely to be on the increase, what steps might structures take to increase the psychological profiling of those candidating for ministry? What emotional awareness might be increased , just like justice awareness has also done in the last few years? (and, its not just ministers, but lets start somewhere)

And if then the persons aren’t convicted, criminalise or ‘enough evidence’ then are those who abuse galvanised further? Would it be better not to have said anything?

It just strikes me that when psychological/emotional or spiritual abuse is the crime, that the criminal evidence trail is likely to be small, but it will be there, just requires specialist tools to discover it and protect people from it, not just the individual having to protect themselves or thrive, despite it.

I know I have a lot of questions in this piece, they are largely rhetorical, I wish I had answers.

(*Every denomination, includes other organisations too) 

References:

Surrounded by Psychopaths by Thomas Eriksen

The Courage of Hopelessness by Slavoj Zizek

Various Resources on Psychopathy and Narcissistic patterns on You Tube.

Funky Frecks: A book to help children become more aware of emotional health and manipulation.

Jess is excited to start her new school and she soon makes friends.

But it’s not long before one friendship makes her feel uncomfortable.

Feeling trapped and alone, Jess isn’t happy.

Can she figure out a way to ask for the help she needs?

Funky Frecks, Jennifer Gilmour

Fully crowdfunded, Funky Frecks is a children’s book for KS2 children and it follows the same ethos as Jennifers debut novel, educating through a form of entertainment. The aim is that they will carry what they learn forward in not only friendships but into their future romantic relationships, equipping them with the ability to spot the signs / pink flags. 

The story follows Jess who is unique in her own right with beautiful white hair, different-coloured eyes and freckles. Jess has been to many different schools and we join her as she starts another new school and feels rather vulnerable. The school has a buddy-up system and a fellow classmate volunteers to help Jess in her first week, her name is Sam and is very welcoming on the offset. We see them getting on well and enjoying each other’s company but things don’t feel right when Sam gives Jess a nickname that she doesn’t like, Jess musters up the courage to tell her she doesn’t like to be called Frecks but Sam ignores it. As the story unfolds we see Sam become demanding over school activities at lunchtime, getting jealous of Jess making other friends and everything comes to a crescendo. 

Personally, I’m grateful that this is a conversation that is much more talked about than when I was in school, and this resource by my friend Jennifer will be vital to help children and young people recognise not only the behaviour of others but also to recognise their own value and worth in relationships.

More on the book is here : Funky Freaks Book

Jennifer Gilmour is an author and advocate for women in abusive relationships, using her own experiences of domestic abuse as a catalyst to bring awareness and help others. Jennifer has published two publications, Isolation Junction and Clipped Wings which have both been Amazon Best Sellers and received awards. Jennifer speaks at events across the UK and continues to raise awareness through her blog posts, public speaking, radio interviews and social media.

Jennifer has listened to her readers and has grown a digital community to support discussions around domestic abuse online. Starting with her Twitter Chat which opened late 2017 #AbuseTalk, this developed into an online forum in 2018. In 2019, Jennifer launched a podcast that includes interviews with those in the sector and gives followers the opportunity to ask burning questions. 

Youth Work NatDipHE & JNC Level 2 (University of Chester) 

Jennifer can be found on the usual social media, twitter, instagram, Facebook etc – her blog site is here

The (Church) Body keeps the Score.

I was 18.

It was 1996.

A new summer festival was happening that was in its 2nd year.

It was billed as a young person version of Spring Harvest.. and I had done Spring Harvest for 4 of the previous 8 years.

I was enthusiastically evangelical.

I had converted friends in high school. I had been one of the ‘few’ who kept going to local youth clubs and christian unions.

I bought Christian music.. yes this was a thing in the 1990’s…

I helped out at church worship events. I played the guitar. I had just signed up for Oasis’ Frontline teams. Inspired by a book about chocolate that killed brain cells. IYKYK.

and….

I had existed emotionally alone and had a bewildering and abusive childhood. Not that I could explain it at the time.

Church was my safe place. Belonging in it fulfilled an emotional need.

Soul Survivor , the Evangelical Summer worship festival was amazing for me… the first time.

I went the year after, and, after spending a year ‘in ministry’ or youthwork in Hartlepool with Oasis, I found it less amazing. But it still held favour with me. I still have the music books..

It was also the year that ‘Soul in the City’ was launched and Festival Manchester 2000, and I nearly ended up in Manchester for this, as a few years later I nearly did the Oasis Youth Ministry course at Nazarene College Manchester, and offered a work placement in Manchester. Nearly. It wasn’t to be. I wanted to be though…

So…

It could have been me having to make a call to the current investigation team.

It could have been me.

But it wasn’t.

Though I was prime for it.

Right age, right evangelical enthusiasm, emotionally traumatised childhood.

What I know for sure, is that if ANYTHING had happened to me.

There was almost no one I could tell.

How do I know this?

Because fast forward 20 years and I had to manage my own parents emotional reactions to my marital break down several years ago. So, imagine how 18 year old me would have shared any safeguarding concern, especially as 18 year old me had ‘upset’ them by not going to university.

But it wasn’t me.

And this isn’t about me trying to make this about me as a ‘possible’ victim.

Yes, it is upsetting, troubling, very much, yes the Soul Survivor investigation is bringing me a lot of emotions.

Not because of anything that they did to me.

Its a reminder of what did happen to me. Its a reminder of what has happened. A reminder of how I had been conditioned to be in a self loathing state and a dependent evangelical. What might have been perhaps, but also how easy I was set up to be manipulated. In a tiny, and broad way I’m connected to it.

My body, has kept the score. Thats what trauma does. Thats what Therapy and Self awareness, self-love and self compassion is helping me to heal from.

There is something else.

That has to be said.

On my wall in front of me, is a picture of Rosedale in North Yorkshire

Its a cross at the top of a shallow hill, with a large puddle in between the purple heather.

The photo is meaningful for me in a number of ways.

It potentially represents all of us in the mirror, do you see the lake? what does your reflection reveal?

All of us in the mirror.

All of us in ‘the christian community and culture’.

Until it’s realised, until we step off the mountain trying to grasp the ‘cross’ and look in the mirror, all we might see is a muddy reflection.

What might the light of the mirror be shining on, revealing to awaken from the darkness?

What if the following is true for the health of the church?

We must cultivate all three intelligences for our overall health:

Critical Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence and Spiritual Intelligence

If one falls the wayside, it slows the growth of the other two.

Haemin Sunim.

What might be ‘out of balance’? that debilitates ‘health’ and slows growth?

What if we ask ourselves , as part of the church.. what culture has been created? What generational wounds are being carried that are self sabotaging, what else might need to be revealed?

Could it be that any kind of emotionally unhealthy behaviour can go unchecked?

What if we’re honest with ourselves, to the point of keeping ‘darkness close’. What requires Self realisation and humility to realise.

Denial ‘ it doesn’t happen here‘ or Deflection ‘ Look at them over there, we’re not like them‘ aren’t the greatest allies in the path of learning and emotional consciousness.

What if all, some or none of the following occur in churches…and with greater or less severity? All of which have some link to emotional immaturity and health:

Codependency and over-adaption, Saviour Syndrome, Grooming, Coercive control, Flying Monkeys and Narcissism (and when this comes to church) , Trauma Bonding, Dependency, Self denial, Self loathing, Shame, Fear (of Hell, of making a mistake, of life) .. as one of many tools to control…

People pleasing and being ‘nice’, Survival or Winning Strategies, Victim Players, Spiritual bypassing , NDAs, Conflict avoidant, Criticisers cast as Jezebels, Bullying, lack of management and supervision…

Recognise any, all or some of these?

As an abuse survivor the patterns are very obvious.

And;

where celebrity and pedestal is a sign of success (thanks Jon for this awesome piece), but there are ‘ego’s’ in the pews too..

where emotions were negated, devalued and ignored (and Becky Castle Miller on this is amazing, do check her out here) .

Research has shown that churches have one of the highest proportion of psychopaths in any profession, those outside the church are less likely to groom than those already ‘inside’.

The ‘lack of being perfect‘ seems to be an accepted response to not taking responsibility for actions. Where DARVO, the drama triangle and gaslighting happen… but with christian language.

Where the whistleblowers and abuse victims are silenced, delegitimised as gossip, and marginalised. Read the IISCA report into sexual abuse in the church, its not happy reading.

And it is only just getting to grips with Spiritual Abuse (thank you Lisa Oakley) , let alone domestic, emotional and neglect….

So it isn’t just one thing….

It all feels like an imbalance between spiritual, intellectual and emotional health.

Whilst it’s not ‘all churches’ and not all of these things… they all show their ugly face on a regular basis. So what might the soul searching (beyond soul survival) look like, if it’s truly done on a collective level.. ? And there is progress in some places.. sometimes reluctant progress….

What does an emotionally healthy church look like? Can a church become emotionally aware and intelligent? And what might this do for its spiritual health…only improve it I would think.

Follow the way of the cross, but look in the mirror on the way. Sober said Paul. Do everything to see beyond the glass darkly, not just give in to it.

Acceptance of realities, acceptance of cultural shaping, acceptance of structural frailties and vulnerabilities, acceptance that safeguarding is only one deterrent, as the psychotic hide their abuse in manipulative ways. Acceptance of the hurt, the hiding, the abuse, and everything in between. A church that is bruised, vulnerable and open…

And then realise.. that the whole church body is affected. The body of the church will keep the score. Because that what trauma does. Thats what healing is like on an individual level, its what a healing , aware organisation will be sensitive of too.

The Church Body keeps the Score.

Closing this with Archbishop Welbys words on Soul Survivor, for anyone who need to talk further and report what they experienced. Because it is so so important that you do add to the investigation.

I encourage anyone who has information to continue to come forward. If you or someone who know has information they need to share, please do get in touch with the National Safeguarding Team via safeguarding@churchofengland.org. Again, please be assured that any safeguarding concerns you raise will be treated with sensitivity and care.

If you or anyone you know are affected by this situation and want to speak to someone independently, you can also call the Safe Spaces helpline on 0300 303 1056. Safe Spaces are offering support for victims and survivors and anyone who has been affected by this investigation.

Archbishop Justin Welby.

References

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, 2004

Thomas Eriksen, Surrounded by Psychopaths, 2017

Melody Beattie, Codependent no more, 1986

Linsday C Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, 2015

Heamin Sunim, Things you only see when you slow down, 2017

5 tips for Detached Youthwork, from Street Photography.

Over the last few months ive been intentionally out and back on the streets again.

But not as a detached youth worker, instead going out with a camera and learning, slowly the art of street photography.

And I love it.

I love the interaction with people. I love the sense of the in between space. The context. I love what it brings out in me.

I love observing.

I love also how its given me a new way of seeing the world – or should I say, its given me an avenue to develop what I loved so much about doing detached youthwork.

I want to share with you a few themes that are beginning to emerge for me, some of the lessons im learning at the moment, which might be useful for you if you’re out doing street based youthwork.

• Know your Intention

With a Camera, I have to be sure of why I am there. It would sinister to try and hide what I am doing, it would arouse suspicion. I may be able to say this in a few ways, and I am genuine with folks when I say I am learning, trying new skills. I have had people already ask me if im surveying for film locations..

You are going to be asked why you are there. Whether a street photographer or detached youthorker.

Be confident in what you are doing. If you’re not confident, then ask why.

I liked this video by George Holden explaining this, you might like it too.

For detached youthwork.. know why you are there, and ensure that all of your team are there for the same reason. Its important…

• Smile and be light

Especially when there’s any confrontation. For me, there is no photo in the world that I could take thats more important than damaging someone else’s day by taking a photo that they didn’t want me to do so. It’s important to be a good human. To look as though I am enjoying myself, smiling and having fun. Im one of the performers on the street as the stage. Today I was asked by some security guards about my photos, they have every right to ask, they are doing their role in the streets too.

Also, Smile and give feedback, ive told people that they make a nice photo, and thank them. Most people so far enjoy this.

I can look back and realise quite how much I wasn’t in a smiling place during much of my detached work…. it was a job, it was a profession, it meant a lot to me, and it was an escape.. not the best I know.. Im so enjoying smiling and interacting with people in this way.

• Mindfulness.

Yup. I have noticed that when I make judgements of situations with a camera I am less ‘in the moment’ to take a photo – my mind has made up stories of situations. A classic example was a few weeks ago, there was a black gospel choir singing – and a white man preaching in Newcastle. My mind had gone to all sort of places in terms of making judgements on this in terms of power and race. Some or none might be valid, but all took me away from my actual intention, and away from being present.

The street, and people are what they are. It is a place full of colour, activity, noise, drama, unpredictability, and none of it needs to be judged, it can be enjoyed.

Im reminded of how easy it was to ‘make up stories’ about groups of young people on the streets – what they might be doing, activities, previous experiences, and not be able to stay in the present, in the moment. Mindfulness. The present is the important place. Thats where the interaction happens.

• Bursts may be better than Exhaustion.

Ive found that I can walk and take photos for hours without realising it, I used to walk the streets around a city doing detached youthwork for 2-3 hours without a break. What im finding is that im more concentrated and present in shorter bursts, so grabbing a coffee or a break helps. Often in a city I seem to naturally find a space away from people for a while, today I found Manors railway station and took some photos there for a while, a few weeks ago in Whitby I walked down the harbour, away from the crowds for an hour. Leaving to come back can give fresh eyes. refocus the mind.

• The Context plays a Part.

Today I practiced taking photos with the context in the frame. A lamppost, bin, bollard, edge of building, railing, as part of the frame and photo, giving the context a part in the photo. I talked about context a lot previously – do look up those pieces on the categories tab. The day of the Kings coronation brought some crowds to Newcastle , on a bank holiday the tourist were in force in Whitby… these all shape the context – and the streets, city, suburb, rural all have a different effect on communities of young people.

Just a short piece, on What im learning from the Streets… as a street photographer, and how this might be useful in detached youthwork too. There is probably a few more other things too.

Change starts with ourselves.

I make no apology for not writing as much on here recently, as what I have written about a lot of has been about my inner experiences, self discovery and learning, and whilst in the past I have written about some more personal things on this blog in the past, ive put all of this on my other blog which is linked here. The latest over there is about the futility of trying to be good..in order to be liked. This applies to youth/community work practice, as much as it does just being human.

It made me realise that there is such a crossover between what Ive learned for ‘myself’ and how it applies in practice, that I should write more here on some of the same topics.

So here goes.

Do you remember the old joke, the one about youth/community workers and changing the lightbulb?

How many does it take?

100.

1 to change the bulb, and 99 to sit around writing articles on coping in the darkness.

Its best to sit in the crowds isn’t it. And be the 99.

Powerless to make anything happen, and just write.

Passive, and hoping that words alone, submitting in a peer review, or a blog might make a difference.

I realised that it didnt. I realised that I got stuck.

Oh look how self congratulatory this sounds. Look at me.

its far far messier than this, I promise you.

I was stuck. Trapped. Addicted even.

And I so so loved writing words into the darkness, here or on social media. Keep the swirl alive by adding fuel to it, cynicism, sarcasm, irony and the rest. Satire being the tool of the powerless, and I lapped this up, Friday nights ‘The Last Leg’ was on repeat.

All the time positioning myself as the helpless victim, to identify with the young people, or communities I ‘served’. Feeling trapped too in a damaging relationship in which at one point I felt I had no options.

Though I did start to notice something.

I had a disastrous experience completing an MA in Durham, which I basically completed in the midst of emotional trauma, in a shell like capacity – only survival instinct keeping me going. Yet during that time my tutor Pete Ward looked me in the eye and suggested that ‘ You’re not thinking that a youth worker is also a victim are you’. When I think I was writing about youthworkers and their managers..or lack of. I didnt have the emotional capacity or tools to be able to respond to Pete then. It was the first time this thought clicked in me….

But what did this mean – to ‘not’ be a victim.

Fast forward a few years, and I am delivering ‘Young Peoples Challenging Behaviour’ training to my good friends Dave and Jen Johnson in Byker , Newcastle. They are true heroes and I love them. I regularly showed up at their churches and did some training for them, sometimes utterly beknownst to them, masking some pretty horrid stuff. But I realised, and I know it sounds obvious now, that ‘we’ as youth/community workers need to look in own mirror at young peoples challenging behaviour, yes it might be as a result of a young persons trauma, but it can be triggered by our own woundedness, our own competence, or something we are doing, consciously or unconsciously.

At the same time as delivering this training. I had started Therapy. I was also reading books about manipulative behaviour, and its patterns. Many of the books said the following, echoed by the group of supportive friends I had at the time.

Only you can change, and cause those around you to change their behaviour. (or for it to be revealed)

In a youth work setting its too easy a get out of jail card to play, stating that the challenging behaviour by young people will change when they change.

the same is true for organisations and churches too.

As a youth worker I would have loved it if my local churches took youthwork seriously, funded it correctly and gave it good management. But what then? and… what was I actually doing about it at the time to encourage that to happen? This isn’t to blame myself looking back.

Blaming others, or waiting for others to change alleviates me to take any responsibility.

Responsibility that I could take to change my actions and behaviour.

Which ultimately is all I have power over to control.

Ive write about the Victim triangle before, but there’s also the Adlerian Triangle.

There is always a choice. And we have a lot more power than we think.. And it is allowed to be used, thats what I needed to learn and discover for myself. The situation can change.. but only if I change myself – and not wait for others to change.

The situation was unlikely to change if I wallow in my self pity (Poor Me)

Or blame the system, the church, the young people, their parents, education systems, anything… (The ‘bad’ guy)

I, instead had to made changes about my behaviour myself.

And it meant digging deep.

Now I get that its not always possible, if the situation hasn’t changed and you’ve ran out of options, a choice might to ‘get out’, to erect boundaries – but these are also behavioural changes you are making, for your own good, and thats a good thing, trust me. but…

Let me give you an example.

I often hear a version of the following.

Sometimes, there just doesn’t go a day when there isn’t a text or message from a (parishioner/church sub group/young person/colleague) interrupting my evening at 9pm, its non stop, and this happens on my day off too.

What might be responses to this scenario – and can you see how the ‘poor me’ / ‘the bad guy’ thing is playing out here?

The additional problem here is that of the person sharing this might actually be enjoying that they are feeling needed, valued and important at 9pm on those evenings, thats another aspect too. It may be that this attention is secretly liked, which is why its not changed, just publicly complained about. ‘look at me being available but pretending to complain’

But how could this be changed? if the person actually wanted to change.. Just change behaviour. The action of switching off the work/mobile phone at 8pm, is going to stop the messages, as it muting the chat or not responding at first. It does sound simple, in a way.

The person sending the text, soon realises that they didnt get a response, or only a ‘grey tick’ – next day at the church meeting their feelings will often be revealed… ‘I notice you didnt get my message’ or ‘ it seemed odd to me that you didnt respond when I wanted you too’.

See how the other person has to change, and/or reveals their response to the change. It is by acting that change happens.

But its amazing that when you see this pattern, its hard not to notice it in many places.

Especially when waiting for someone or something else to change… a change that will seemingly result in my betterment, ease, well being or happiness. Sadly thats not life golden ticket.

Ive sat so often in organisations and churches in which there is a deep desire to change (yes honestly), but the desire is that someone elses responsibility to the changing.

If only the congregation would change.

If only the minister would change

If only the youth worker would change

If only society would change (back to the 1960’s).

If only….

And if they did… would it make any one actually happy?

It may be crude but individuals expecting other people to change without doing anything themselves, is like the spouse of an addict waiting for the addict to change without realising their emotional crutch on something out of their control. This is Co-dependency.

I get that this might be crude, but for some belonging and identifying with a faith group or organisation can have addictive qualities, given the deep roots and sense of emotional connection. Addicted to Jesus, thats what Carman sang back in the early 1990’s and evangelical youth ministry kids like me lapped this up. So I get it. Being Obsessed by God was the cry of Delirious 10 years later.

Read Co-dependent No more by Melody Beattie to reflect on the codependent dynamic, of the ‘poor me/victim/ waiting for their addict to change.

I guess ive laboured the point now.

But I realised that only I could change. I had to. There were phone calls I made that made me vulnerable, there was power within me that I had to access, there was breaking I needed to do, and I could change. Just me, myself. And, it was hard work, very hard work.

I had to see myself different, love and value myself (at all), and become more aware.. and its been and continues to be a long long rewarding path, of self improvement, self love and compassion.

Even if it upsets people. Yes. Even if it upsets people. Its likely too, because it means that they have to change too. Our lesser availability might encourage self – reliance, in the phone call example above. Our non tolerance of something destructive might reveal behaviour.

This isn’t about changing to be demonstrative or destructive, just for clarification. It was about realising that real change starts from ourselves.

I realised, only I could change myself… and then expect others to change around me. It was all I had the power to change, and to be honest.. that in itself after many years of learned codependent behaviour from trauma.. was hard enough.

Thank you for reading, I may write a few more pieces on this blog in the next few weeks, a cross over of learning from self help into youth work and community work, do leave a comment or like below, id love your feedback on this kind of thing.

Safe Spaces..are Safe for whom?

Can I be honest with you about something please?

Actually really honest, honest about something that I think we need to think about a bit.

That’s ‘We’ in the youth and community work ‘world’ and also ‘we’ in the what seems to be ‘post’ pandemic narrative about churches and community spaces.

I want to have a conversation about ‘Safe Spaces’.

Not warm spaces, warmer hubs or prayer spaces. Safe Spaces.

Can we have a chat about this please?

Its a space. Yes. Its a hall, a room, a church, an area.

It could be a ‘zoom’ room, or teams gathering too.

So, that’s ok then. Space is fine.

It’s the ‘Safe’ thing.

Who exactly is this space.. safe for?

and.. Who gets to decide that it is a safe space?

Sometimes I’m in a training setting and the leader will say ‘This is a Safe place’ – but im thinking, I dont actually know any of the other 100 people in the ‘zoom’ room. What makes it safe.. what makes it actually safe..for me? Is it safe that I dont know what question is going to be asked? Or what im about to encounter?

Over 12 years ago when I was a street based youth worker in Perth Scotland, one of the pieces of feedback from the young people whom we as a team encountered on the streets was that ‘because of you the streets feel safe’. In that instance being present, being trusted, being known and identified as a supportive adult, meant that for the young people they identified safety. This surprised me, for usually on detached work.

It wasn’t that we as a project claimed safety, the young people felt it.

If I say the space is safe…. what might this mean if actually it doesn’t feel safe for the participant… where might they go or talk to if they want to describe the alternative? What is it that I might be claiming? And should I be?

Does safe mean – physically safe – the health and safety check

Does safe mean – physically safe – No one can enter who the other young people have been bullied by (so is this space now exclusive?)

Does safe mean – Spiritually safe – the young person isn’t going to be ‘encouraged/manipulated’ into believing something, just because they got free snacks?

Does safe mean – safe to express contentious views?

Does safe mean – avoidance of risk?

Does safe mean – all the policies, including safeguarding are up to date?

Does safe mean – just not ‘unsafe’? In which case, its a bit redundant..

Who decides the safe thing though?

More to the point, who should be the ones deciding, or claiming that a place is safe?

If a homeless group of young people attended your evening drop in once, would they say it was safe? This could take months and years for them to make this assessment, because they trust the people and what is on offer, it regularity and they respect they receive in that space.

Claiming safety because of training, policies, comparison to other places – could silence those who want to have experience difficult behaviour within it.

As someone who has experienced emotional abuse, acknowledging the need for safety is important. I know where and when I have felt safe. The last place I would go to ‘feel’ safe is somewhere that claimed it and I had no evidence for it.

It goes back to power. Who has the power to determine what is, or isn’t safe. Abusive people hide behind as many courses and programmes and religious institutions to validate themselves and claim safety, yet those who have been abused by them.. have no where to go…. Survivors of abuse can often detect unsafe people a mile off.

‘Safe’ shouldn’t be banded around as if its the new ticket for community or healthy or educational spaces, all of which could be amazing and good, and informative and challenging and inspiring.

If there even needs to be an alternative. What about Brave?

Yes. Brave.

Brave spaces not safe spaces.

Because, we, you and I are all brave in creating this space, you are brave for attending it and participating, or volunteering in it – we are all brave together. Maybe you are brave for reading this?

Brave to make the space as welcoming and hospitable as possible

Brave to accept people for who they are

Brave to let there be vulnerability

Brave to try things, try new things.

Brave to be challenged, brave to say yes or No

Brave to accept failings, brave to acknowledge gifts, brave to see everyones humanity in the space.

Brave to accept emotions, brave to disagree, brave to have conflict that gets resolved, brave to be quiet, brave to make noise.

Brave to share pain and ‘the real’ , brave to feel happy, light and free.

Brave to belong.

Brave means ‘we’ we are brave together. , Safe potentially means ‘I’ and ‘You’ because both I and might feel different about safe.

Can you see why ‘Safe’ could be a problem word? Lets not throw out the good intentions of being safe, safer for and with our communities, absolutely not. I just wonder whether ‘safe’ has become not only over used, but also something that needs to be very carefully thought about in its use.

I do want to thank Jen Johnson for inspiring me on this post, as she and her husband Dave inspire me always as they live, reflect and create community in Byker, Newcastle. It was her FB post on this that gave me an alternative language to ‘safe’.

I found this article really helpful too: From Safe spaces to Brave Spaces

What’s interesting about this.

Is that People make Spaces Brave.

The Space is only Brave because you make it so.

That makes you, I and everyone, part of this together.

Brave people, create Brave Spaces.

I’ve changed my mind about empowerment, here’s why

Can we have a conversation about empowerment please?

Because, well I thought I knew what empowerment was. And I did, I knew what empowerment was.

In Theory.

But what I didnt know was what empowerment actually was. Until I felt it. Until I experienced it.

Cutting aside the conversation of the theory of empowerment and the word itself for a moment. Yes its all about power.

Can I get to the gist of it?

Can I be completely honest with you for a moment – please bear with me.

Ive got to admit a few things.

One of them

Is that even if I thought or said otherwise there’s a part of me that wanted to have some credit for helping a young person.

Or.. I wanted it to be that ‘my faith in Jesus, and Jesus’ actions through me’ helped the young person in the Youth work practice.

And… secretly I wanted the young person to give me some credit for this.

I wanted to be the person who met the young person in the midst of the mess and helped them up – and maybe unknowingly wanted them to be dependent on me, or give me credit for being there ‘to fix them’

Was that ever empowerment?

Some of it was in the name of ‘developing a purposeful relationship’ with the young person – meet them at a point of need, then hope that in the long term in the conversation there is some ‘faith’ conversation… after all this was the purpose wasn’t it?

So that the young person could look back on me as some kind of hero, or helping support at the very least.

Now, being kind on myself, funding applications that kept me in a job also encouraged this.

Wanting me to justify how ‘Youthwork provision’ changed and transformed young people – creating better outcomes, enabling some kind of change. Which is great, but the tendency to want to find the story, and also find the quotations from young people to say that the project, the organisation could take some credit for it.

What does this do to the young person? If they truly did ‘change’ in any way – what does this do to their sense of esteem, sense of purpose, and their own development.

Does it enable them to see their own strength that brought about change or to only see themselves as being rescued (or somewhere in between)

Up until 2019, I had barely given any thought to my own ’empowerment’ journey. I was a survivor, strong exterior, able to cope with anything. My own youth work experience as a young person was littered with structured organised groups like scouts and swimming club, and yet I had received significant support from an older couple who were my church youth group leaders.

Empowerment wasn’t a word I knew. I was on the run. Afraid. If you’ve read my other blogs you will know that my childhood was full of significant emotional abuse, that was impossible to articulate, but I was in the midst of. And I can say now that I was a bundle of raw emptiness that was searching for belonging, and found it in my local church.

And this is largely where I stayed, in the midst of the church community in a variety of forms, people pleasing to appease my parents, staying in the ‘fold’ , doing further study for my own sake (but also to make them proud) .

I was a mess. A bundle of emotional mess, and it was about to fall apart.

What I didnt know is that I was about to go on my own empowerment journey.

Firstly I had to be vulnerable. And at times I still know this is the best way. Thanks Brene Brown.

I had to ask for help – after trying to be the strong one. The alternative was homelessness. Asking for help, meant asking a friend if I could stay at their house.

I was in need of the basics. Safety, Food, Water, Sleep. Maslows bottom rung of the pyramid.

My friend gave me my own room, I had to go and buy new bed sheets, duvet, pillows and a towel. (again if you have read my other blog you will know why I couldn’t go and knock the door at my parents)

I needed. I was at a very low point and I had to be vulnerable.

I had reconciled to myself that I was going to learn what I needed to learn from the experience, and that I was going to have to face realities of suffering, and not avoid them.

After a short while I gathered people around me, a support group if you will. I remember many times asking these people ‘what should I do’ – and trying to work out what was going on.

At first it annoyed me that they would say ‘its your decision’ or ‘I’m not going to advise you – you have to decide what you are going to do’

It annoyed me because I didnt want to take responsibility, I didnt feel I was capable of making decisions, big or small. But I soon got it. Or at least expected the response.

I had to make decisions. I had to do things for myself. One way or another. I was being empowered, and my friends stuck by me if if they didnt always agree with the decision I had made. Which felt a little strange at the time I admit.

It meant that I, now, a few years later, can look back years, weeks and months and know something about what empowerment is.

Yes I needed a short term sticking plaster – my immediate needs were shot. I had barely nothing. On the first night I arrived my friend took me out for a meal at the pub. Honestly I felt like a warm blanket was being wrapped around me. I was safe.

But gradually, month by month, I began to grow. From the darkest deepest point. I didnt want to feel indebted, but I deeply appreciated and was grateful.

Amongst many things I learned what empowerment truly is. Or at least, I had now received the experience of the kind of support that enabled me to see that I had to make decisions and choices and make the decisions about what kind of life, what kind of person , what kind of future I wanted.. miniscule step by step.

Empowerment wasn’t about advice giving. It wasn’t about being rescued.

It was about being safe, feeling heard, listened to and loved.

It was about being given the tools to slowly fly.

It wasn’t about swapping one type of dependency, with another.

It was something that enabled me to make steps foward, one by one, one emotional, physical, spiritual, mental step at a time.

Empowerment, like Darren McGarvey says in the end of Poverty Safari, enabled me to take appropriate responsibility for myself, and not play victim to circumstance.

Empowerment even from the midst of nothing was to be able for me to grasp the something. Not necessarily to be given it easy on a plate. Actually I didnt want easy. Easy was avoidance.

Empowerment for me also meant dignity. I may have needed and appreciated being looked after, but I also wanted to discover how I could look after myself with the newly discovered resources.

I get how a conversation about responding to poverty and peoples needs needs to look upstream to the causes, instead of just providing a sticking plaster, churches getting tired with always responding. But, even for the individuals being helped? is it a small step to empowering someone, or maintaining a dependency?

Not for the first time in the last few years, ive had to reconsider what I thought I knew because I ended up up having to experiencer it for myself. God its painful when that happens, but that pain is so worth it. What does empowerment mean to you? What might it mean for your practice of serving? What might it mean as you give a food bank package, or welcome someone in a warm space?

There are causes to poverty and they can be challenged. There is helping people and that is needed. But what does it truly mean to empower people out of the poverty they find themselves in… so that they know that they, like I can know that they were able to do it and realise it themselves?

Listening is Loving

Back in the Mid Nineties, and it might even still be kicking around somewhere in the annals of basic youth ministry training mythology, there was a phrase that went like this:

Q:How do you spell Love?

A: T-I-M-E

The thought being at the time that ‘giving young people’ – giving anyone time was a way to ‘love’ them. What this seemed to say was that ‘by putting on’ a youth group, an activity for young people, and giving them time in your day, making time for them in the church schedules, creating time for them to be part of Sunday services – was a way to indicate that the young person, and as a group were loved.

In those, and every day, Young people have a high value on authenticity. Giving them ‘Time’ was a way to do this – or so it was meant to indicate.

Problem is that time was often about getting young people to be part of ‘doing what we (adults/the church) want them to do for us. It was a transactional relationship – we’ll give you time, if you do what we want – this is us showing that we love you. It was a transactional relationship in which young people in their masses have checked out the store and aren’t bothering to go back to, not even to claim a refund.

Maybe because Time wasn’t love after all.

Not in that way.

What if Listening is loving?

In Hector and the Search for Happiness, Hector recognises that Listening is Loving. Its key for happiness. Being listened to.

Listening is one of the core features of developing detached youthwortk on the streets and I public spaces. I would normally advocate for a good few weeks and months of sending out into the area teams of people to listen to the real sense of what is going on. Because listening occurs in a number of ways – before even conversations with young pope require listening to.

Listen to the Context – the sounds, the patterns, the behaviours, the interactions, the languages, the modes of speaking

Listen to the Context – what are its key messages to you – what’s the fight all about, whats getting people angry, upset, – whats the theme of the graffiti – who is writing it, whats noise is there at different times of the day, whats the chat about at bus stops, metro stops, buses or in the queues at the shops.

Listen to Ourselves – how are we making observations, can we accept and not make judgements? – what feelings to I have, do I acknowledge – what prejudices might I have, what favouritism might I have – what voices do I hear loudest – which are lessened?

It’s as if the precursor to community based work is listening…

But what kind of listening? It seems like listening has become the reaction to getting things wrong. Boris promises to ‘listen’ more after making a mistake – but how and how would have this been measured? Promising to listen, seems a political thing.

Of course tokenistic listening isn’t loving at all is it? Listening to only hear what we want for our means, seems like opportunist and strategic, and when I am only listening like this I miss the spaces in between..what isn’t being said

What if I’m listening to my children when they returned home from school a few years ago, and all I actually heard from them were the words ‘headmaster’ ‘trouble’ and ‘£10’, I was listening, but was also preparing food..what might I infer from the key words I heard? How might I react? Would I think they got into trouble stealing £10 and were sent to the headteacher? What if they were telling me their friend got into trouble? Or what if the headteacher said ‘if it’s no trouble can everyone pay £10 for the school trip?

Was I listening? Or was I listening and not being fully present? Was I listening and taking just the words I wanted to hear and trying to make conclusions from limited information? What ,maybe who, was more important, the task I was doing for them, or listening to them in the space?

Can listening in community work feel like the same? Listening for the important words so that we, organisations and charities and churches can fly into appropriate action? Is that love? Was it even listening?

If we’re interested in listening as loving, what kind of listening might that require? On a personal level, I didn’t know how to speak about difficulties in life…

Until I felt safe. A safe person, a safe relationship, safe. But even then it took time, alot of time. Listening so that I could act and change my reality. Not to have it done for me. But safety was what I needed.

Listening involves time. Listening involves patience

Listening involves listening to the gaps

Listening involves an open space for someone to talk, not a space to mine the information.

Listening involves ourselves…being willing and attentive

Listening involves noticing the emotions behind the words

Listening involves not interrupting

Listening

Is anyone listening?

Are we as good at listening as we might say we are?

Am I?

What does it take to be present to the person who is speaking to me?

What listening might be required?

What does it feel like to be listened to yourself?

Have you felt this? Have you?

What might it take to pass this on?

When I am anxious, I’m not listening, when Im afraid of silence, Im not listening, when Im trying to make something happen, and fear having too open a space in a one to one session with a young person – or in a supervisory context- am I listening? When the system, or the church, or the organisation is crumbling… is listening possible? What might the effects of not listening be? Usually assumptions, judgements, projections and quick fixes.

Listening is loving.

Non listening is something different.

I think the process of healing begins when we open our hearts and listen empathetically.

We can help people not because we know the solutions to their problems

but because we care enough to stay and lend our ears.

knowing that others have gone through similar difficulties

they become better equipped to cope with theirs

Haemin Sunim (Love for Imperfect things)

Will Robots really save the church?

After a successful trial in the Diocese of Northampton, the church of England , with SDSF funding, have procured a fleet of Automated Robots for Spiritual Exercises for its churches across England.

The Northampton trial was initially treated with suspicion in churches as parishioners felt that having a robot to perform the essential spiritual exercises would lack the human touch, but Diane from St Anne’s church in Corby is now a fan, and the parish have taken Richard their robot to their hearts saying ;’ If God can use all things for mission, why can’t he use robots?‘ Although his manufacturing name is Richard, they have nicknamed him ‘Robocom’ as one of the robots key tasks during the pandemic has been to hygenically transport the bread and wine through the church at the beginning of the service.

With a sharp reduction in volunteers during the lockdowns, Robocom has had alot of uses, says Gordon from the PCC, ‘ Robocom can voice activate the door key system, be pre programmed to read out the notices, and is obviously a mobile table for ensuring that people with access needs can receive tea and coffee after the services’ St Anne’s church was chosen also because though very practical, Robocom is unable to operate where there are steps.

‘Robocom’ just outside St Anne’s Corby, Northants

Adam Percy from SDSF explained the reasoning behind the national rollout of ARSE ministries, stating that ‘Its all about being intentionally missionally relevent in a post modern to a generation of digital natives’ .

The campaign group Churches Resistance to Automated Practices, have voiced concerns stating that ARSE is just a gateway to removing the need for Clergy completely, the Very Revd Thomas Smith, of Deeply Dipping, exclaimed that ‘Whilst I see the need for progress in the church of England, for inclusivity and embracing Digital communications and theology, especially during the pandemic, This is being rushed out, and rolled out with no consultation, Will there just be an army of Robocoms doing the liturgy and being pre programmed with a centralised sermon? Where will being relevent ever end? Surely this is just plugging a gap and not addressing the real problem? ‘

But Dianne from Corby was more impressed, she described how Robocom had been a ‘hit’ , a novelty and that it’s begun to attract new people from the church, they have worked hard in their Living, love, levers , lithium and faith sessions to establish an inclusive Robot theology, drawing from Isaiah that the ‘Ion will one day lie with the lamb’ giving rise to some in the church developing an over robotised eschatology.

One of the key outcomes for ARSE in the original trial was to develop the youth and children’s work, in St Anne’s the children’s work has grown by 200% in 6 months, and because Robocom is pre programmed to include all the resources and ready to use material by SU, Urban Saints, YFC, Youthscape and Youthwork magazine, Robocom not only attracts the kids, but , with its adaptable voice system on ‘talking to kids setting’ it can run it too!

‘All in all Robocom has been a success’ (Dianne, Corby)

An Army of Robcoms waiting to feed the spiritually hungry across the UK

Churches across the country will soon be sent their own Robocom from ARSE ministries, each will have an eternal lifetime guarantee, each is made from plastic recycled from old digital projectors, and has a 3 hour running time before needing to be charged. They are fully waterproof for outdoor mission spiritual experiences. Parishioners are encouraged to participate in ARSE training so that they can operate Robocom efficiently, effectively and intentionally, for though Robocom does not pose a safeguarding concern, misuse or malfunction can be upsetting. ‘On one Sunday morning in St Anne’s, we got the children’s talk rather than the notices in the service, George on the back row was not amused’ said Dianne.

At the time of writing, ARSE ministries have recognised that airborne ministries have been long neglected, ‘Often the message we communicate is only to those 6ft over the ground’ says Dave from the innovative mission team, ‘To respond to this pressing need, our new initiative will develop the use of Drones In Communicating (the) Kingdom, these DiCKs will provide a valuable airborne ministry, especially where Robocoms are unable to climb the stairs.’

By the way, some of this article is actually true. Robots are being trialled in Northampton, but to deliver food. Here’s where you can one in action https://youtu.be/MufmNWGVUQw

Co-op expands its robot delivery scheme in Northampton