Why you might have a psychopath in your church

Im serious.

Though, It’s fortunate that Peter Ball and Ben Field have had justice brought to them, I guess then everyone else can relax in the church now, because obviously there cant be any more dangerous abusive psychopaths in it any more. Now that these two have been dealt with, we can all take a breath and feel a warm sense of relief. Trump, the ultimate psychopath, has been revealed too, so we can all have a party, there cant be more psychopaths around can there…

Both of these were high profile UK cases in the media in 2019, and though Peter Ball did not have the word Psychopath attributed to him at the time, there was a focus on his actions, and the process of safeguarding at the time that was blamed for covering it up. That investigation is ongoing, as is an appeal being made by Ben Field too, so ill not say any more. Often the physical actions of someone is the story, rather than the personality disorder that also led to it, and justified it.

One of the problems about terms that get banded around a bit like Sociopath, Narcissist and Psychopath, is that they get over used and especially in the case of ‘Psychopath’ its attributed to actions like serious crimes like serial killings, murders, and then films that a ‘psychologically tense’ or Hannibal Lectern.

Last year I wrote this piece, 4 ways to deal with a narcissist , and I aimed it as the Media in dealing with politicians. I received a comment, a few in fact, that they wondered if this applied to churches as well, it does.

This article From Chuck Degroat, the Western seminary Michigan wrote this on the subject: Narcissism in Church

The problem with the cases above is that the psychopath has only been caught when they’ve committed something illegally obvious. Until that point they’ve been hidden in plain sight.

So, let me ask you, If you could name the personality characteristics of a psychopath (without googling it) what would you suggest? 

A clue: serial killing isnt one of them.

 

In his book ‘Surrounded by Psychopaths, 2017’ Thomas Eriksen says that psychopaths typically display these personality characterstics alot, or most of the time.

Glib or superficial charm, Grandiose (exaggeratedly his estimation of self, Lack of remorse or guilt, Callous and lack of empathy, Pathological lying, Cunning and manipulative, Shallow effect (superficial emotional responsiveness), poor behaviour controls, need for stimulation, irresponsible, early behaviour problems, anti social behaviour as an adult, parasitic lifestyle, sexual promiscuity, lack of realistic long terms goals, juvenile delinquency, breaking parole and criminal versatility.

Did you get any of these?

Eriksen says that many normal people display on an occasional basis one or two of these, and the adage remains, if you think you are psychopath that you really are not one. A psychopath is likely to display these things most of the time and especially as their core self.

 

What about Narcissism? now that you’re on a role with this, could you define that kind of behaviour?

Go on.. see how you get on with that one… list characteristics of someone who is narcissistic:

 

In her book ‘Children of the ageing Self absorbed’, Nina Brown describes someone who is narcissistic and self absorbed as someone who commonly reflects these attributes:

Grandiose, The impoverished self (plays victim and grandiose concurrently at times), Entitlement attitude, Attention seeking, Admiration hungry, Unique and special , Lack of empathy, Exploits others, Shallow emotions, Inappropriate sense of humour, emptiness at the core, extensions of self (others are extensions of control and to manipulate for own gain) and Envy/Jealousy.

 

How did you get on with these?

Did you notice some of the overlap? Understandably so. So let’s go back to the more sobering thought.

 

Can you see how someone who might be Psychopathic/Narcissistic might be able to hide, and retain a position of power in a church? 

I can.

Think about how they might be able to use words to manipulate people

Think about the way that they feel when they have power

Think about how they can confuse people into feeling guilty or worse still feigning confessions and seeking forgiveness/reconciliation. Others have to forgive them

Think of how blame, guilt and shame can be distributed.

Think of how they might be able to use the system for their own gain, and to hide.

 

This is why being a church/faith minister is one of the top 10 professions in which psychopaths reside.

According to Eriksen, It’s 8th on a list that only has CEO, police officer, journalist, surgeon, sales rep, lawyer and other media personnel above it.

The 8th most common place for a psychopath to reside is in a church.

The 8th.

Can you see how harmful it would be to have a psychopath leading a church? The problem is, they already do.

How would you know?  Well up until now, you probably didn’t. Because you weren’t looking for it, and you didn’t know.

 

 

Thats the one way to combat narcisisst/psychopath leaders, is self awareness. It’s education.

Even notice why the church in some areas has traditionally or even currently tried to reject personality traits like empathy or intuition?  Often its because those who pronounce this are trying to invalidate those who might be able to ascertain the hollowness of the accuser. Invalidating the empathic self aware is a great skill of the psychopath. Keeps them off the hook.

But what about the quantity factor… there cant be many of these people around – haven’t you tried to suggest that people are generally kind? 

Yes, I have, but think how many peoples lives are destroyed by just one psychopath?  Its like drinking the cider of one bad apple, or bad yeast that infects the whole loaf. In the case of clergy. They whole church, parish or town.  But dont worry, on one hand there won’t be many of them, but those that are will be causing damage.

Oh and also, I may have said that people are in the most part kind, but Rutger Bregman himself says that Power corrupts and that those who have risen to the top in organisations and societies often find ways of making sure that they stay there.

often they carry an energy to get to the top, through charm, a charisma. But they are watching you.

Usually by adjusting the checks and counter balances, by deflecting and avoiding and by being shameless, which makes for better news. Oh and a psychopath/narcissist is unlikely to feel shame or embarrassment. Why? because they dont care what other people think of them. They can’t tell jokes, read a room (unless to manipulate), and they will never blush. (Bregman, 2020)

Though, think if the damage just one psychopath could make?  There is still one lauded at the top of the political tree in america by religious leaders…

So – what can be done about it?

Well first you need to know what you are dealing with. Do the homework, research, books, articles on psychology today, therapist and counsellors on personality traits and behaviours. Talk to those who have been victims of this and hear their story. they know, they’ve been silent victims for years.  Know what it is you are dealing with, and know what it feels like to have had to live with one. Dont assume that because that person is in a role, that ‘they couldn’t be one’.

Self awareness is the first and best step to dealing with these people.

Because they will find a way of affecting you, they’ll prey on your politeness (cant say no to anyone), on your open loving time (there there, as they regail how they are the victim), they’ll gossip around spreading slander to everyone, whilst decreeing that gossip is ‘sinful’. They’ll try things like love bombing, playing on guilty conscience.

Both Harry Potter and Red dwarf describe the monster that lurks as the ‘shape shifter’ – in Red dwarf 3 its the polymorph, in Harry Potter it is the Boggart in the wardrobe. These are calculating monsters that prey on our heroes emotions. They have no form themselves, merely adapting to those around them to manipulate them

Adapting so to feed and to kill. Harry knew how to deal with the Boggart, and eventually so did the Red Dwarf Crew. They had to stick together. When isolated the shape shifter can assume a form. It convulses when trying to manipulate two people in a room. Especially not someone who knows whats going on. Isolate a psychopath and you’ll be the one manipulated by them. They’ve seen you coming a mile off and have years of using every technique to get what they want.

They manipulate by assuming a form that catches their prey off guard, and going in for the kill.

They can be spotted though;

The lesser spotted, but highly dangerous psychopath, will often use phrases in a church like

‘Everyone else needs to…’ (but not me)

I’ts everyone else’s fault’ (the congregation, the manager, the community , and this is their script to everyone)

‘Im just trying to be a good vicar’ (they’re playing a role)

‘They make life so difficult for me’ (playing the victim)

‘you should have done…’ (projecting onto others)

‘everyone else is too sensitive’ (invalidating feelings)

‘They are the crazy one, the emotional one’ (invalidating those who are revealing them to others, often)

Try this: 5 ways to spot a Psychopath 

and ever notice how in ministry most things they do, dont work very well?

In ministry its as if their falseness doesn’t create an environment where people will do the things that make things work. In short, they might be as noticed by a failing ministry. They are also noticed by when they enter a room that people feel chills, not warmth. They dont feel the things they say. Often weaponising scripture to get others to do things, act or react, and nothing like what the original intentions were. Often they appear as the kind of person who is a ‘divisive’ character… because that’s what they thrive on. Division. They will do or say shocking things that make you numb. (like stealing, or verbal abuse)

If anything they leave you cold, abused and taken from; Other people are there to serve their ministry. It’s about entitlement remember. They are jealous of other churches, though they’ll give a reason why they dont compare/compete. They will deny all of these things too.

The other good thing is that their tactics are the same. They are so predictable. Seek out weaknesses, play victim, then accuse others of ‘ganging up’ or ‘betraying them’. Same tactics, same patterns. Never take any responsibility.

If the words psychopath and narcissist are too strong, then lets just go for emotionally abusive, coercive and manipulative.

Im just wondering how all the checks, balances and safeguarding in the church can prevent such toxic people in ministry (they can be forgiven or given grace, they’re too dangerous) , and for where they currently are, causing emotional distress behind a wall of power filled practice.

As the film Spotlight (2016) showed, it takes a whole village to raise a child, and a whole village to abuse one. It also took a whole team of private investigators, lawyers and press to expose the truth, that had all been covered up. It will take a whole church, and even whole families to be believed when they just know the emotionally abusive danger that one person brings. It’ll only take one psychopath to destroy a church. Thats because ultimately thats how many stories with psychopaths end. Death.

And everyone still alive around the psychopath will become trapped in a cycle of co-dependency.

Oh and if you think you can confront them afterwards? then no, because their already full armour of weapons (lying, denial, blame, being victim) are all wonderful attributes to take on after the event. The emotionally immature/narcissist exist in a kind of time that is different to everyone else. They only do in the moment the strategic best thing for themselves, with no thought of the consequences to others I wrote about this more in this post. So they do not care who and how they lie so that their behaviour remains hidden. Often they are in there system already so that they know how it works.

The good thing, is that if you’re reading this and think or worry that you are psychopath then, already your self awareness means that you aren’t one. And youre now more educated about them than you were before. the challenge for churches, is to spot them, or to prevent them from getting positions of power in the first place.

The issue is to realise is what would it take to reveal them. Often they reveal themselves. The rest of the time its about not being scared of them when they’ve elicited your trauma response in the past. Like Harry had to overcome the dementors. Often they reveal themselves as they value the same traits in other psychopaths.

I urge you to resist banding around terms, because in that way the actual genuine people who are psychopaths can hide even more, in the same way, as churches and in ministry we have to do more to raise awareness, to follow instincts and feelings about people and to have better ways of preventing and identifying psychopaths within ministry.

Time to wake up church, and notice that the devils are more likely to be within.  (usually as they proclaim that everyone else is the problem)

I have written a follow up piece, on seeing the patterns of their behaviour, that is here:

 

References

Surrounded by Psychopaths (Thomas Eriksen, 2017)

Dealing with the Aging self absorbed (Nina Brown, 2016)

Humankind (Rutger Bregman, 2020)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Jk Rowling, 1999), Red Dwarf series 3.

The Film:  Spotlight (2015)

Codependency no more , Melody Beattie (1988)

Adult children of Emotionally immature parents, Lindsay Gibson 2016

A more extensive article, 20 signs to spot a psychopath is here